Homecoming, Birthdays and Thank God It's Over.

We returned home 2 weeks ago, armed with a new lease and a new outlook on life. As long as I've worked with the homeless and at-risk in my community, I never thought it would happen to me.

I learned that you don't care what kind of toothpaste you use when you're grateful to have a sink to wash in.

I learned that sharing a double (and single) bed with my two boys is tough stuff but I was even more grateful that we were together.

I learned that my son with ASD is much more adaptable to change than we thought he was.... he did AMAZING through the entire ordeal.

I learned that my marriage is made up of the strongest material ever.

I learned that my cat, whom I thought was completely ambivelent to my existence, really, really loves me. Like, a lot. She still hangs off of me and follows me around every day now.

And lastly, I learned that during tough times, you find out who really loves you. From the friends I didn't realize were still friends until they offered me a place to live to the people who joked that "being homeless would be better than living in our renovation zone"... you really, really realize who's got your back and who is just a jackass.

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We came home the night before littlest boy's 5th birthday. Our neighbours stepped up and hosted his first birthday party, blowing up 55 balloons an making the sweetest cake I've ever eaten in my life. 1 week later, we opened our doors and hosted a second birthday party, marking the first "event" we've held in this home. It was intimate and fun and the boys are already excitedly planning the next party.

Apparently the next party is for my birthday next month. No word yet on who's doing the cleaning, cooking or cake making for that one.

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Have I said Thank God it's over yet?

Because I am truly thankful it's done. I'm thankful for my sister, mom and neighbour for opening their homes to our family. I'm thankful for the free legal help offered and the people who brought us food and gave us money for clothes. 

I'm also (extremely) grateful for the new owner of our house and his assistant. They made the situation much more bearable by keeping us informed and topped off the whole ordeal by coming in with a contractor and making a working schedule for all the things that need to be fixed. Let's say hello to a new bathroom, working front door and windows that open/close/don't have cracks!

failed

I've failed.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to support people and be a tower of strength in my community for those who it. I've had this pipe dream that as long as I was taking care of others, I too, would be taken care of.

I''m not changing the world. I'm not strong enough to support anyone else.

I can't take care of others if I can't even take care of myself.

I've failed my family.

O broke tonight. He cried, he asked questions, he begged me to take him home. He fell asleep with a death grip around my neck.

I can't tell my kids where we'll be sleeping tomorrow night because I just don't know.

I'm broken and afraid. My heart has shattered into a million pieces, I'll never be the same.

I just hope I have enough in me to get us through this before it causes irreversible damage to the boys.

Splitsville

Tonight, our family splits up as the boys and I head to my mom's house and hubby heads to stay with a friend.

I haven't told the kids yet. Postponing the inevitable breakdown I guess.

N bawls every night at bedtime. He wants to return home and to school. O rolls with the punches, extended sleepovers are just super cool in his sweet little eyes.

Today they tell me there's a lien on the house and they are waiting for the sellers to pay it off. Of course, we know that if these people were willing to let a family live without heat and hot water for 2 months, they're not rushing off to pay this bill that they conveniently forgot to pay up until now.

The buyer tells us that he's sure it'll be taken care of within hours or at most, a day.... but this is the same person that's been telling us "today or tomorrow" for 15 days now.


Staying with my sister and her family has been lovely. Really, I thought it would be stressful and messy but we blended very well into a large family unit for 2 weeks. I've LOVED seeing my sister and nephew every day and I've even gotten over my fear of folding her boyfriend's underwear. I'll miss them.

Just want to go home.