failed

I've failed.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to support people and be a tower of strength in my community for those who it. I've had this pipe dream that as long as I was taking care of others, I too, would be taken care of.

I''m not changing the world. I'm not strong enough to support anyone else.

I can't take care of others if I can't even take care of myself.

I've failed my family.

O broke tonight. He cried, he asked questions, he begged me to take him home. He fell asleep with a death grip around my neck.

I can't tell my kids where we'll be sleeping tomorrow night because I just don't know.

I'm broken and afraid. My heart has shattered into a million pieces, I'll never be the same.

I just hope I have enough in me to get us through this before it causes irreversible damage to the boys.

Splitsville

Tonight, our family splits up as the boys and I head to my mom's house and hubby heads to stay with a friend.

I haven't told the kids yet. Postponing the inevitable breakdown I guess.

N bawls every night at bedtime. He wants to return home and to school. O rolls with the punches, extended sleepovers are just super cool in his sweet little eyes.

Today they tell me there's a lien on the house and they are waiting for the sellers to pay it off. Of course, we know that if these people were willing to let a family live without heat and hot water for 2 months, they're not rushing off to pay this bill that they conveniently forgot to pay up until now.

The buyer tells us that he's sure it'll be taken care of within hours or at most, a day.... but this is the same person that's been telling us "today or tomorrow" for 15 days now.


Staying with my sister and her family has been lovely. Really, I thought it would be stressful and messy but we blended very well into a large family unit for 2 weeks. I've LOVED seeing my sister and nephew every day and I've even gotten over my fear of folding her boyfriend's underwear. I'll miss them.

Just want to go home.

9 Days

9 days.

We're staying with my sister and her boyfriend who have been absolute saints about sharing their house with 4 extra people. This may have to do with all the cooking I've been doing.

On Friday, I was dismayed to hear that they hadn't closed the house deal because the sellers can't find all the paperwork they need to hand over.

Long weekend. Yesterday, I couldn't raise anyone involved in the deal on the phone.

This morning, they told me it should close today.

And now? Nothing.

No one is answering their phone, no one is returning my emails.

I feel like we're being railroaded and lied to. We can't move on with our lives because we have a new lease that we need to honour. Which basically means if they don't close the deal for another 2 weeks, we still just have to sit and wait because we're still on the hook for another year's worth of rent.

And in the meantime, I sit and feel like an asshole for taking advantage of my sister. I cry when my kids beg me to go home. I get angry when the school threatens to send the truant officer because my kids aren't going to school. I'm bloody furious when I get told "It should be today..." because they've been telling me that for 8 days.

I have a FoodLove event scheduled for this weekend and no way to bake for it. I have a cat at home that could be dead.... how long can cats go without food, water or love?

This is fucking bullshit.


** EDIT: I was able to enter the house on Feb 20 ad check on Momo. She's is a-ok, although more than a little angry with me. Thank goodness!

Suddenly Homeless

We moved into a house owned by a slumlord.

Took slumlord to court. Slumlord in turn, took us to court.

Big mess.

Eventually, we agreed to move out at the end of January.

Then we were told the house was sold and we didn't need to move because the new owner was happy for us to stay.

So we stayed. And stayed.

And then the sheriff showed up. 

Kicked us out. Locked the door and left my husband, myself and our 2 sweet boys out on the sidewalk.

The house was sold, yes.

We have a lease with the new owner, yes.

But the slumlords? They wanted us out for the 4-5 days it will take to complete the sale.

So we're homeless.

Sleeping on couches.

Crossing our fingers and praying the sale finishes today. Or tomorrow.






Worst week of my life? Yep.